Straight from real couples, Instagram polls, and your Enneagram-obsessed friend (me).
It’s the #1 Enneagram question I get asked:
Ohhh, my friends. If only it were that easy. 😭 I honestly wish I had the magic number combo to bestow upon you and send you on your merry way to a happily ever after.
Unfortunately, relationships take work. Sometimes it’s work that sucks and feels hard. But most of the time? It’s work that’s joyful. You love that person, so you want them to feel seen, heard, and loved, right?
And that’s where the Enneagram CAN help you. Answering the question:
Which is why I’m dedicating this post to help you pinpoint EXACTLY what your partner needs to feel supported and loved, based on their Enneagram type.
So let’s get this party started, people! By kicking things off with Enneagram Nine, because (let’s be honest) they always get stuck at the end. Not today, Nines! It’s your time to shine.
For this one, I turned to my wise Nine friend Daniel, who is happily married to his best friend Becca. They have one of the most loving and understanding relationships I’ve ever witnessed, so I wanted to get his input on what makes it work for him as a Nine.
He said, "I want my partner to hear and remember things I say and share — both little details and big, vulnerable things."
The thing about Nines is they’ve spent most of their lives going with the flow to create a harmonious environment. So while they may seem like they don’t have any opinions or needs, they actually long for their desires to be obvious and important to their partner.
They need someone who disregards “the flow” and asks them about their opinions and thoughts. Then, and this is key, you REMEMBER what they’ve said and make that important, no matter how big or how small. For a deep dive into Enneagram 9s, read this post!
My mom is a Type Eight and often tells a story from her first year of marriage when my dad was still learning to listen. For their first Christmas, my dad spent their entire $50 budget to buy her a Walkman. He assumed she would like it because it's the kind of gift he would like. But the problem was that my mom didn’t listen to music that much and had already stated that she wanted a new pair of shoes.
Needless to say, the Walkman didn’t go over well, and surprise, surprise, my dad was the main person who used it. But don’t worry: my dad is MUCH better at gift-giving now: he gives her exactly what she asks for.
And that’s something to LOVE about Eights - there’s no ambiguity about what they want. With both gifts AND more serious things, like what they want in a relationship. They WILL tell you. So all you need to do is listen and respond accordingly.
This seems easy when you’re in that honeymoon phase. You know, where the butterflies are still flying, and you’re willing to go above and beyond with spontaneous adventures. But once that wears off, especially if you’re a routine-loving person, it can be hard to keep that going. And I’m not saying you need to change yourself to be in a relationship with a Seven or that you need to break routine and go chase greener grass constantly (and I mean adventures, not... the other kind of grass 😂).
But there are OTHER ways that you can help them feel free in a relationship, specifically when it comes to freedom of thought.
Because a Seven’s greatest gift is their ability to be VISIONARIES. So the key to helping them through their rough patches is to listen to their grand visions without shutting them down. Let it be a conversation that shows them, “Hey! Your mind is free to wander and dream big in this relationship. I’m here to expand your freedom, not limit it.”
A Six’s core desire is to feel like they have security, guidance, and support. So sticking to tradition and comfort helps them feel in control of their environment. Now obviously, you can’t guarantee control 100% of the time, but you can take the awareness of this desire and apply it to your relationship in a helpful way!
Especially when you look at it from the angle of what NOT to do. Take this example from my Type Six friend who is currently out on the dating field –
One guy whom she had been on a couple of dates with had this habit of saying, “Hey, let’s do this Friday night!” But then Friday night would roll around, and he would change his mind last minute. For my friend, that was so unsettling. Because it made her feel like she couldn’t rely on him.
Which brings us to the KEY for Type Sixes: trust is everything! You want to be their safe place!! So, try your best to make your actions and words a sure thing.
Within the Enneagram, there is a framework called the Centers of Intelligence triad. It’s a way to categorize how each Enneagram type makes decisions and communicates.
Type Fives are in the head triad, meaning they make decisions and communicate primarily through logical thinking!
So, it can be easy as a partner to fall into the trap of thinking that a Five isn’t actually affected by feelings and hardships the way you are. Because they can appear — on the surface — very logical and stoic.
But the truth is, Fives 100% have feelings and emotions, but they prefer to deal with it behind the scenes, process it logically, and then present that more polished version to others.
It’s just their way of protecting their hearts!
Understanding this is so important. Because then you can treat them with empathy, not bombastic side eye. Instead of “Why aren’t you as upset about this as I am?”, it’s “How has this affected you? I’m here to listen.” For some actionable tips, check out this blog post about 5 ways to love an Enneagram 5 better.
With Fours, it is all about honoring their creativity — and I’ve learned this not just from studying the Enneagram, but also being married to a Four!
My husband Jon feels most loved when I value and encourage his creativity. When I asked him why, he said it’s because then his ideas feel significant to somebody other than just himself.
Which really gets to the root of what Four’s need in a partner: someone who sees and honors their authentic self. And, because Fours and creativity are so intertwined, starting with their passions and creativity is a great way to love them!
Now, I do want to note that this doesn’t mean ALL Fours are poets, musicians, or painters. But creativity comes in all forms - like problem-solving, imagination, deep conversation, and thinking about the world from different angles.
What you can do is call out whatever creativity is unique to them and say, “Hey! You have important stuff to share with the world! Keep going! Tell me more!”
As a Type Three myself, I can confirm that there is nothing better in the world than my husband telling me that he's proud of me.
And it’s not just me who feels that way. When I asked on my Instagram what each type feels they need in a partner, multiple Threes said “Words of affirmation.”
This longing correlates directly to Three’s core desire: to be successful, admired, and valuable.
So when a partner goes out of their way to say — “Hey! You’re so impressive! I am so proud of the way you handled this,” that means everything!!
Because it affirms a Three’s deepest desire: to have their effort admired and acknowledged.
But I want to warn you — don’t just throw out vague platitudes thinking, “There’s my words of affirmation for the day! Crossed that off my list!”
You want to be intentional and specific!
Also, encouragement doesn’t just have to be verbal compliments! I have a Type Three friend whose husband leaves little affirmation post-its in her car every day before she leaves for work. It makes her feel SO loved and valued.
Unfortunately, it can be scarily easy to take Twos for granted — because they’re always of service, available, and eager to please. We can forget that underneath all that helpfulness is an intrinsic belief that they need to help others or else they won’t be loved.
So the question becomes:
How can you show your love for the Twos in your life while also emphasizing that this love isn't dependent on how much they are helping you?
Does that look like affirming them when they delegate or practice self-care?
Does it look like noticing when they need a break or scheduling a massage for them?
These acts of love will be specific to your Type Two, but the underlying key is that you are acknowledging all that they do for you and being helpful to them in turn.
When I asked Type Ones what advice they would give to people who want to date them, the overwhelming majority emphasized the VALUE OF TIME.
On a surface level, this means: don’t be late.
But on a deeper level, it means don’t waste time in a relationship. If you’re on the fence about your interest level, but you’re still stringing them along, you're wasting their time... and yours!
What I find interesting about this desire from Ones is it comes from an appreciation of raw honesty and communication.
Type Ones want to make decisions with all of the facts in their arsenal — and with romantic partnerships, that’s one of the most important decisions you can make!
So I think it’s really important to be as upfront and authentic as possible with Ones! They do that for you, so you need to do that for them in return.
Not sure about your type yet? Click here to read this post that will help you narrow it down in 7 easy steps!
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