Loving an Enneagram type five can feel like a mystery—here are five simple ways to understand and connect with them better.
5 secrets to loving Enneagram type fives
I’m teaching an Enneagram workshop to a company out in Texas when a woman says, “OMG! My husband is a Type Five!”
When I asked her why, she said, “His YouTube watch history.” See, they had recently bought a new stove. Naturally, they wanted to learn how to cook the perfect steak on it!
What she saw was the most Five-ish thing I’ve ever heard.
Gordon Ramsay cooking steak. Step-by-step steak tutorials. The history of steak. There were hundreds of steak-related videos!
But the wildest thing was, this was months after they had achieved their goal of making a great steak!
If you have a Five in your life, this probably doesn’t surprise you. And I bet you want to learn how to love them better. I sure do.
Without further ado, here are 5 ways to show Enneagram Fives that you care:
1 — To know their heart, start with their head 🧠
When a challenge arises, Fives lead with their mind. What are the facts? How can I analyze this logically? For the more feeling types (like Twos, Threes, and Fours), this can be pretty confusing! It might even seem like Fives are callous.
But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Fives feel ALL the emotions! But they don’t let them take the reins. Instead, they set the feelings aside so they can analyze the situation from a detached POV. This is their way of protecting their emotions!
If a Five is going through it, don’t ask them how they feel ortry to empathize with whatever feelings you thinkthey might be having. Instead, ask them questions so that you can help them understand their situation from an outside perspective. Listen to them like a Five, with clear observation and curiosity. That’s the way to Five’s heart.
2 — Take their fear seriously
Want to know what keeps Fives up at night? Who’s the boogeyman hiding under the bed? Incompetence. It’s their biggest fear.
That’s why they spend so much time and energy collecting knowledge and making sure they are self-sufficient! Suzanne Stabile, in her book “The Path Between Us,” described it best:
So be as respectful and aware as possible when you are discussing a Five’s feelings of inadequacy.
3 — Every day is the same… and that’s a GOOD THING!
Fives thrive on predictability! When managers ask how best to lead Fives, that’s what I tell them. Don’t spring unexpected stuff on them, like a last-minute meeting that definitely should’ve been an email.
4 — I would LOVE to hear everything you know about steak! 🥩
Fives manage their uncertainty about the world by collecting knowledge. This means that they often take an intense interest in certain subjects.
A wonderful way to connect with your Five is to sit down and ask them about the topics that they care about. I always think about Ross from Friends (who I believe is a Five) and how excited he gets when anyone wants to talk to him about dinosaurs.
5 — Leave ’em alone!
Fives begin the day like a full glass of water (read: energy). As the day goes on, each social interaction drains that cup. Even if they carefully manage their water level for the day, that glass is going to need refilling!
That’s why time alone is SO IMPORTANT. It may be difficult not to take this personally if you’re a romantic partner. But keep in mind they don’t want to be alone because they don’t like YOU. Rather, they need time alone so they can be the best version of themselves FOR you.
If you want some actionable ideas for how Type 5s can recharge I wrote this blog post of self-love tips for all 9 Enneagram types.
