Trust me, I get it. Taking a deep look at yourself can be unpleasant.
The Engagement Shoot That Turned Into a Personality Lesson
When Jon and I got engaged, there was one thing I was really looking forward to:
The engagement shoot.
You know, every newly engaged couple’s rite of passage.
The first time you get professional, good photos of you and your partner. Not blurry bar photos. Or iPhone selfies. Or that one time Jon took me to see two Instagram-famous corgis so we could get a picture with them.
(Here are the corgis in question, in case you were wondering. And yes, it was worth it.)
We didn’t want cheesy, standing-in-a-field-of-flowers photos.
What can I say?
I’m a Three. I like to look cool.
He’s a Four. He wants to be unique.
Consequently, we found the most bomb photographer—Steve—and told him we wanted an engagement shoot that was authentically us, shot in one of our favorite parts of Los Angeles: the Arts District.
I wore this green-and-white striped dress that tied in the middle and made me feel like the epitome of California cool.
And Jon wore his signature look: his jean jacket.
It’s one of those perfect denim pieces that take a lifetime to find. Soft from years of wear. Pins and patches from favorite bands and coffee shops. Sun-faded in all the right places.
People pay good money to replicate that kind of look.
However, Jon’s jacket can’t be store-bought. It’s unique.
Just like him.
When we met up outside Angel City Brewing, one of the first things Steve said was, “Hey! That jacket’s really cool.”
Jon replied, “Thanks. It suits me.”
And Steve said something that triggered my Enneagram-brain:
“I want to be confident enough about my personality to know that something suits me.”
The Moment That Made Me Rethink Personality Work
We launched into a colorful discussion about personality and Enneagram types. I told him that learning his type could help him understand himself better.
“The thing is,” he said. “I don’t know myself enough to even take an Enneagram test.”
At the time, I wish I’d had a better response.
I wish I could’ve said: That’s okay. Tests aren’t the end-all, be-all way to find your type. It’s totally a process.
Then, I would hand him my book, which gives you four simple steps to find your number, once and for all.
(You can find that book here, if you’re like Steve and struggling to find your type! Or, read this post to help you with your road to discovering your Enneagram type.)
But I hadn’t written my book yet. I was still early in my journey with the Enneagram, and I didn’t quite have the language.
What that exchange did do, though, was make me think more deeply about why personality work can feel so hard for people.
Why We Avoid Looking Too Closely at Ourselves
You know the trope of an ostrich burying its head in the sand?
In my time as an Enneagram coach, I’ve seen how often we do that with ourselves.
Because taking a deep look inward isn’t exactly pleasant.
Richard Rohr writes that “if you don’t sense the whole thing as somehow humiliating, you haven’t yet found your number.”
Which begs the question:
What actually makes it suck?
Why Finding Your Enneagram Type Feels So Icky
Sometimes it’s because you realize the motive behind your “good” behavior is rooted in fear.
A Type Two might realize that all those times she offered to help — even while falling apart herself — weren’t purely altruistic. Maybe she was trying to create invisible strings so people would feel obligated to show up for her later.
Instead of just… asking for help.
Or (gasp!) having some boundaries and saying no.
Or learning your type could totally dismantle the identity you carefully curated.
A Type Nine might feel a little thrill whenever someone calls them “easygoing.”
Only to realize that what they’ve been celebrating as their signature trait is actually just conflict avoidance.
Imagine how distorting that feels!
For me, learning I was a Type Three dismantled the story I’d always told myself.
The story was: I’m awesome. I’m impressive. Look at me go.
The deeper truth was: I’m absolutely terrified to fail. Because if I stop achieving, I won’t be worthy of love.
Yeah… Not as fun!
And then there’s the second wave of “oh, crap.”
Because once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
The Point of No Return
And now, you have to decide what to do about it.
This is why I push back whenever someone says personality typing puts you in a box.
Nope.
Unfortunately, it rips open the box you’ve been living in your entire life.
It shows you the patterns that once kept you safe but are now running you on autopilot.
And awareness is what lets you step outside of them.
What Does It Mean to Actually Know Yourself?
Looping back to Steve’s comment:
“I want to be confident enough about my personality to know that something suits me.”
I want to pass this question off to you:
What does that even mean?
What does it mean to be confident in your personality?
Why do so many people feel disconnected from themselves?
And what happens if you never look inward?
Sure, in some ways, it’s easier not to. You don’t have to learn a new story or question your patterns. You can keep wearing whatever jacket feels fun in the moment.
But, and I know I’m not alone in this, the clarity you get when you finally find your signature jean jacket and put it on…
That’s freeing!
And it opens you up to a whole new world of understanding.
Both yourself and others.
The Clue You’re Probably Ignoring
But if you’re still trying on types and none of them feel quite right, you might just be looking at the surface-level stuff.
To actually find it, look at the stuff that makes you go, “Ew, I hope that’s not me.”
Spoiler alert: if it makes you cringe, you’ve probably found your type.
But that’s where the real growth begins!
